What (if any) difficulties have you had finding help to deal with this issue?

Most resources seem to be aimed at women.

Not a lot of resources for men in my situation. Of course there are a lot of resources out there for women, and men as the betrayer and I can extrapolate meaning from that. But as men, many things are different.

Living abroad has made it difficult to reach out to family and friends for meaningful face to face discussions.

Understanding people that truly care.

Lack of therapists with relevant certifications and experience treating spouses of sex addicts using a trauma based approach. Very few resources geared towards betrayed men.

None really. Found a therapist and got to work.

No support

Anger, trust.

Help for betrayed men was nearly non-existent when my wife’s affair happened 30 years ago. My sense of being at fault and shame at being cheated on were factors that discouraged me from talking to anyone about what I was going through. I thought I had forgiven her for many years, but recently the grief, obsessive thoughts, and resentments resurfaced. I’m starting to believe I will take this to the grave.

Not a lot of info on betrayal trauma for men.

None.

There is almost none in the way of online support or community.

I haven't been able to secure therapy or medication for my depressive episodes that stem from the infidelity.

Nobody gives a fuck, "its normal" bullshit.

It seems rare and against typical patterns, so there is not a lot of talk about it. Also, I am a pretty emotional guy, but my default is still to shake off betrayal or any issue and not reach out. These combine to make it hard to get help.

Therapists tend to defend female infidelity and ignore the effects it has on the man.

Tough to find men's groups in Seattle. I have a counselor and friends but still need support.

Everything out there is anti male, or female betrayed focus.

Luckily I had a pastor who was counseling my wife and I, who is also a CSAT and trained through APSATS to work with partners, so I knew exactly who to go to. Many people, especially men are not so lucky because much of what is found for partners is aimed towards women.

Believing.

Haven't seen any body for counseling. Don’t know what to do.

Well that is so hard to collect all my broken heart's pieces but i know i’m way too strong to take care of myself. So all i want is to become more powerful in every aspect to live my life the fullest what I've always desired for. Note: Being MGTOW is the best option for men nowadays cause believe it or not every women on the planet is just using us.

Please describe any stigma or judgment you have experienced, if any, as a male partner of a woman who has been unfaithful.

Not being tough enough to kick my wife out of the home and relationship as a punishment for the affair.

I don't believe I have experienced judgement or stigma except from her friends.

I feel my partner has humiliated me on so many different levels with so many different groups.

That we don't hurt as bad and are bullet proof.

The general assumption is that if my wife has been unfaithful then “she’s not being taken care of at home” (i.e. I’m not treating her right) If the husband acts out society generally regards that as the husband’s fault. If the wife acts out society generally regards that as the husband’s fault as well.

I have had mild feelings of embarrassment. She was not discreet and others who know us both were aware of her behavior. I don't give it much thought or energy.

I was used by women because I fell in love.

Feeling inadequate.

Feelings of shame are overwhelming at times.

We have told no one other than therapist.

Trust issues.

N/A, no one knows.

I've been called weak, shameful, and pathetic. I criticize myself too often concerning this issue.

She painted me black as reason for cheating on me, but the truth is that she just wants to fuck other guy.

Not much externally, but my internal judgements are harsh and difficult to cast off or overcome.

See previous comment. People tend to say it must have been something in our relationship that caused her to want to cheat. Rather than saying it’s wrong no matter what if it’s the other way around.

Mostly feeling it personally.

I haven't honestly. Friends and family have been supportive.

The stigma is worse for betrayed male partners and female sex addicts. Men can be seen as weak or “less of a man” for staying. Also, men are conditioned to have to be tough and get over things, so they do not get as much help for the pain and trauma. The reason it is worse for female sex addicts than males is because women who cheat or sleep around are usually seen as slut or whores, rather than being seen as hurting people who are trying to cope and fill a void with their behavior. I think this is relevant with men too (“men are pigs”) but I don’t think the judgement is as harsh. Many men can sleep around and go brag about it. I have seen a lot of couples with females as the partner who have come out with their story, but I don’t feel like I can do that because of the need to protect my wife.

Honesty.

At least some of my friends are aware of it and it's difficult to be around them.Some gave me their opinion at the time.

How do you think being emotionally or sexually betrayed by a woman is different for men than for women who are similarly betrayed by men?

There is an added cultural stigma that the woman has betrayed because the man failed to sexually satisfy his partner.

I believe the betrayal is the same. But the tools or help available are typically oriented to men as the betrayer. Also socially, it’s acceptable to be betrayed as a woman. As a man, there are still certain societal expectations put on us. (this may refer back to stigma in question 5, which i did not realize). An example would be, as a woman betrayed if she needed space and wanted him out of the home, that decision would be highly supported. As a man asking for the same thing, it has many more challenges.

There is no difference. It’s wrong no matter who does it.

We look bad either way.

You feel like others regard you as less of a man. Men may have fewer friendships where they feel comfortable sharing and seeking help. What is required for the woman to reconcile the relationship feels like a role reversal. That is, the traditional roles where the man pursues, dates, nurtures the woman feel like they have to be reversed for reconciliation.

Not sure.

If roles were reversed I think it is much more easier to bounce back, because I know women with much worse decision making skills with same social stature that have never experienced prolonged moments of loneliness.

Can't be straight with them, they will see me as weak.

I think men see grief as weakness and women do not. Blocked grief ensures no healing.

The "manly" stigma

It’s not different.

I think the self shame is greater as well as the loss of self confidence.

I do believe it's different, but usually from person to person.

It is not. When I love, I love. I love all the bad and all the good things, she just doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings, just thinks she deserves better. I wouldn’t use cheating as escape from relationship, but weak [women] do that.

It seemed more deliberate and controlled on her part than it would be if I had done the same.

Men I know seem to take responsibility and own the mistake. We even tell each other they messed up. However women seem to justify it to each other. This is based on my own experience.

Less resources for men

For me, I pride myself in how a treat my wife. Her affair partner treated her like a hole in a mattress. I still love her and want to be with but it is hard to let go of the hatred towards him and the anger and sympathy I feel for how she was treated.

All of the stigmas mentioned in question 5 also apply to this. I also think women can be more manipulative and that since the roles of men and women are different in most relationships, the feeling around betrayal can feel different. For example: some men feel the need to provide and protect, when she goes to someone else for emotional/sexual needs, he can feel that she doesn’t need him for those things, or that he was doing those things for nothing. This is just one example, there are many more.

No idea.

I don't think it would be that different.I imagine that a woman would feel just as hurt.

It's really a death kind of situation for anyone no matter you're man or woman but somehow we all we both genders had evolved differently so for men who is physically too strong for protecting his family from predators, this shows he's the head of the house and had been always a man his only support system was his wife/love/gf. And on the other hand this nature gave women a motherly system to take care of her babies and sometimes his husband in emotional situation cause no matter how tough he is as a man but i we should never forget we all are human first with the same feeling.

What advice have you been given for dealing with this issue?

I have had to seek out coping strategies online as there seemed to be very little advice for men.

Continue to show her love and provide a safe space for her to be honest and open.

I have sought help from two different male marriage counselors. The advice between the two has varied widely. I feel as lost as ever in dealing with this subject.

Bad advice. Just forgive her blah.

I was blessed to know a therapist (in another state) who deals with sex addiction almost exclusively and follows a trauma model. He pointed me to relevant resources that helped me eventually find books, counselors, etc.

One friend expressed shock. He knows my wife. Another friend advocates that I can do better. He is on his third wife.

Move on.

Haven't asked

None.

Zero.

Get over it.

None.

Get therapy, let go of the past, move forward.

Forget about her.

We've done a bit of counseling. Self-care, setting boundaries, separation, connection have all been addressed and advised. Also connecting with others who have experienced this, which is how I found this site.

I’m told since nothing physical happened I should just get over it.

Lots of counseling and focus on self and that I have to accept powerlessness.

Seek professional help and work towards forgiveness.

Therapy, workshop.

I have read books, went to support groups (S-ANON and ISA), and gotten coaching and therapy for advice and to navigate the situation. I think that all of these are necessary, or at least very helpful for healing.

None.

None, who would I ask? No person would understand the pain except for the victim, so what good is talking to someone who has not been through it?

I've chosen to go, but still i can give you a solution, that our society has to teach loyalty first not money.

What advice would you give to a man who is seeking healing from sexual/intimate betrayal by a woman?

Decide first if the relationship is worth saving. That’s the starting point. Then if it is work through your feelings especially the impact the infidelity is having on you.

Be open. Be forgiving.

I did not feel I am qualified to give advice to others on this subject... other than keep your head up and stay strong.

Watch her actions not just her words.

Seek God, read the Psalms, pray Educate yourself...read, read, read. Find a therapist immediately to help you through the chaos. Establish boundaries to ensure you and your children can feel safe. Develop a support system by sharing your story with people who care for you and finding people who have experienced betrayal.

Seek therapy. Avoid rash decisions. Focus on what you want and how you want to go forward.

Never fall in love with a woman no matter what.

Get used to suffering

0

Seek help

Talk to someone, anyone.

Therapy. And don't let this one person dictate how you perceive other partners in the future.

Work on yourself, become better version of yourself, hold that grudge for her to show her that your next woman is WAY better than she could ever be. Don’t forgive/forget...stay angry and use that anger to better yourself to the next better woman…AND NO CONTACT!! MOST IMPORTANT, once you have been betrayed, NO CONTACT EVER.

Find someone you can talk to for real.

Don’t let them gaslight you. They know what is right and wrong. If it’s a pattern of it happening more than once leave and work on improving yourself.

Find a good counselor and take care of yourself

It will take time and every story is different. Don't let the negativity towards men who want to stay with their wife persuade you other wise

It takes a long time.

Don’t block it out or shove it down. You have to confront it and get the help you need to heal, and create the necessary space so that she will go get help too.

Not sure.

Get rid of [her] right now!!

He can use no contact rule, not for getting her back but in getting himself back and then never full trust a woman anymore and still he must always be ready for break up and then for a smooth move on.

Thank you to all the men healing from betrayal by women who have taken this survey! If you’re a man who has been intimately betrayed by a woman and would like to add your answers, please take the survey yourself, here.

*Some responses have been edited slightly per website guidelines. Last update Feb 2021.